Something hit me hard. Something I never even think about. I think I need to talk about. I have put up too many walls to keep people away. To keep people at a safe distance so they can’t hurt me. These walls need to come down if I ever want a chance at happiness. My first thought was, me?? I interact with people daily on social media. Celebrating with them when they have something great happening in their lives, birthdays, pregnancies, new jobs. My feelings are genuine and we have made true connections. I have friendships with almost every person that comes to my yoga classes. They know a little about me, my daughters. Things I enjoy doing.
All of that, is to a certain extent. Why do I do that? It is my defense mechanism. To friends and even to family. Even my mom. I’m not proud of that. Sure, I’ll answer your questions. Just enough to move along to the next subject. And these are with people I truly love to be around. But I’ve been hurt and that hurt made me believe I need to now protect my heart from feeling that way again. I cry very easily these days even with that wall up. I think that’s why I’m afraid to take it down.
Emotional walls come from a legitimate place. The reaction to hurt—physical, emotional or mental—can be to shut down and to shut others out. This is an exhausting, entrenched habit and reaction and one that takes hard, uncomfortable work to undo and then even more hard. uncomfortable work to learn new ways. And this hard, uncomfortable work, can only be done by you. Source
If someone hurts me or is negative to me, I simply cut that person out of my life so I don’t have to deal with any emotions. It’s like, “you can’t hurt me if I don’t even acknowledge it. I don’t want to think about it.” When in fact the emotions are always there. They will always be there because I don’t handle things. I just push it to the back of my mind. It always comes back. I’m always afraid I’m going to fall apart and not know what to do to put myself back together.
I remember when I first started running with the group at the running store, I showed up, said hi, ran, said bye. And now that I look at it, that was so rude! I have no idea what others thought of me. But that was the thing, I pretended like I wasn’t even there. Since then I have opened up a little, but I know I can make more of an effort.
I recently joined a group of wonderful ladies to read the book, Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. It has opened up my mind to realizing the only way to let these walls down is experience life and love. I’m always hesitant in taking part in discussions or events like these because I don’t want others to know what I’ve been through. I don’t like feeling vulnerable. I believed that was weakness. When I was in high school, my dad passed away. I promised myself I would be strong, not weak since then. Well, maybe there are moments to stay strong, and some where it’s good for my well being to open up, which now I know is not being weak. I want to be able to share my feelings again.
So why am I sharing this with you? This is a difficult thing for me to discuss. For one, this is therapeutic for me and helps me sort out my thoughts. Also, this is a form of opening up. Putting myself out there. Sharing with you, being vulnerable. A part of living a yoga life. I’m nowhere near perfect. I feel with what I’ve been through, I’m barely beginning to understand who I am as an adult and as a woman. I also hope this may help someone else who puts up these walls to protect their heart. I know this will take time but could be very beneficial for present and future relationships and possibly my career.